My last post emphasized “the existential responsibility” side of the coin. I’d like to spend a little time on the other side of the coin in the service of the whole.
This also provides a nice segue to talk about psychological health in general. As I’ve said prior, the goal is response-ability. The growth of a human depends on its ability to respond effectively in its environment. Abilities can fit nicely into sets of polarities or opposites, with a continuum running between. Seeing abilities in sets of opposites is very useful in order to ascertain where one is stuck, off-balance, or has an INability.
Health (or even happiness?) can be summed up succinctly as the ability to perform both extremes of an ability-continuum coupled with the ability to recognize the situation and what it calls for.
1) Ability to reach the extreme ends of an ability-continuum
2) Ability to recognize what the situation calls for
We become the most unhappy when we’re in situations where one of those two things is off. We either (1) lack an ability that’s being called for or (2) we misinterpret the situation and respond “out of touch.”
At root, this is psychological digestion at the boundary of organism and environment. Food and senses touch (see the mold, smell the milk gone bad, taste a chemical out-of-place taste). Senses help to determine whether it’s worth putting it inside us. Teeth do the work at the entry. In the end, it boils down (ha) to whether we have the full ability to take in and whether we have the full ability to keep out / spit out.
If we’re not fully able in those polar skills, we’re in danger of swallowing something bad for us or rejecting something good for us. Even if we have full abilities but then we misinterpret the situation, it’s the exact same danger.
I hope that makes sense. It can be hard to see abilities as sets of opposites until you get used to it.
So back to the coin.
Existential responsibility: “Yes, this is my situation. Yes, I have created it. Yes, I am responsible for what happens next.” Basically a God-like attitude, yes? Is this good?
It’s an ability.
“I am powerless against the forces much, much bigger than myself. Forces other than myself will determine how things unfold from here on out.”
Is that good?
It’s an ability.
Rather than look at this particular polarity as beliefs (nouns), please try to look at them as verbs or abilities (in the sense of taking the stance or, more abstractly, being with the belief). One could move to the far side of the continuum to touch the extreme pole and then one could move all the way to the other side to touch the opposite pole. They’re polar abilities and they both have a perfect function… depending on what the situation calls for.
I will often say to parents, “we want to teach your kids there are powers much bigger than themselves.” I usually feel the need to clarify with, “I’m not talking about God or the police.” This isn’t about following societal laws or being religious. It’s about the realization there are powerful laws (natural laws) and how, if we don’t follow them, things don’t go well.
This belief (or the lack thereof) seems to be buried so deep down there sometimes.
It has a couple of fuzzy twins like “being an exception” or “I shouldn’t have to.” Those are very, very close to what I’m talking about in this post but they’re not exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m talking very simply about the realization that we’re not God. We didn’t create these rules. And when we don’t play by the rules, things don’t go well. We can’t deprive ourselves of sleep for a period of time and then expect things to go well. We can’t put junk in our bodies and then expect to feel good. We can’t sit in a chair 99% of the time and then expect not to get a nasty case of Chair Pain Syndrome. We can’t be selfish in our relationships and then expect to have warm, deeply satisfying relationships.
I’m talking about the genuine surprise within a person after they go on a 30 year drug binge and then can’t understand why their system is misfiring. I’m using an extreme example (albeit a true one I’ve seen time and time again) to illustrate a concept that can be very subtle and buried but can still be very destructive. My hope in writing this piece is it emphasizes this belief (the “I am not God and I didn’t create these rules so I really can’t bend them” belief) and it supports people to refrain from doing destructive things.
I love the word-play with being “care-full” – not “careful” in the sense of hyper-cautious, scared, mistrusting, but care-full in the sense of trying to be fully in touch with these powers that are much greater than ourselves and then taking-full-care to move with them, not against them, because we will lose every time.
So back to the coin.
The polar abilities. The whole coin.
The ability to be open to the possibility I have created my situations and I am fully responsible for what happens next and the ability to acknowledge, respect, and move in harmony with powers much, much greater than myself… followed by the ability to recognize what the situation calls for.
We’re back to the serenity prayer. The courage to change the things you can. The serenity to accept the things you can’t change. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please be care-full and play by the rules.